Don't Look Back
by Clarin321
Summary: In the aftermath of the Winter War, Hitsugaya struggles to pick up the pieces of his broken life. Character death! Implied HitsuHina. Slightly AU. ON HIATUS.
1. You Don't Hurt Anymore

A/N- Okay, this whole plot was really just made up on the fly because I really wanted to kill someone off. So, the plot is really hazy, and ended up being really AU... Any suggestions regarding how to make this work would be gratefully accepted!!!!! PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!

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Disclaimer- Last time I checked, I didn't own Bleach. Let me check again... Nope! Still belongs to Tite Kubo!!!

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No one was supposed to die.

No, they frantically tried to convince themselves, that isn't true, there are going to be casualties, and I may be one of them. Every time they subconsciously tried to give themselves a shred of comfort by thinking the forbidden thought, it was immediately pushed to the side, hidden away in their minds. The thought was too painful, and everyone knew that it meant only disappointment.

No matter how hard they tried, every time a Soul Reaper tried to fool themselves, there came a time when they were all alone, and unwanted dread of the looming Winter War set upon them like a tidal wave, the thought was back, comforting in its unwanted ness. And, although it was never said aloud, it was a fact. No one was supposed to die.

And so here they were, fighting futility against Aizen's infinitely stronger army, hoping with every fiber in their bodies that they might prevail.

Hitsugaya had always considered himself to be objective, but the truth was, of everyone in the Soul Society, he was having the most difficulty truly grasping the concept of death. He watched as many of his closest comrades and subordinates fell, and although horror gripped him as he watched them fall, he had no doubt that she would make it in the end. The truth was, he really couldn't fathom the idea that everything he knew could be taken away so quickly, as inexperienced as he was.

And yes, though he would never admit it, the concept terrified him.

The silence was consuming as the shinigami gathered them selves when the chaos gave way to a pause, where everyone seemed to take in a deep, steadying breath. During that moment, the world seemed to right itself somehow, and they all took it to survey their surroundings.

Ichigo stood panting on the blood-soaked ground, sweat and grit lining his face, his back faced to his fallen opponent. He had lost count of how many arrancar he had defeated, and he had long passed the point where every opponent seemed to blend together. He was using Zangetsu to support most of his weight in earnest now, wondering how he was going to have enough energy to face Aizen for even a moment. He was the Soul Society's last chance, as it was. He was trying to pretend that the pressure mounted on his shoulders wasn't staggering.

Most of the other Soul Reapers were in similar situations, standing triumphant over the shells of their enemies, wondering why they couldn't find it in themselves to feel triumph. Every time their gaze passed over to the bodies strewn over the land, the idea of triumph seemed like a distant memory.

Suddenly, several simultaneous things broke the silence at once. A laugh rang over the land with an echo that faded into the distance that created such an ominous atmosphere that no one had to think twice about who had uttered it. True enough, Aizen, closely followed by Gin, sauntered across the plain, not bothering to walk around the bodies. At the same moment, a gartanta opened not far to their right, revealing a somewhat distraught Hinamori Momo.

Hitsugaya's eyes widened as he saw Aizen glide across the battle-field with an almost surreal calm, but when he saw Momo come into view in his peripheral vision, all thoughts of Aizen were completely eclipsed by his concern for Momo. Unohana would obviously not let Hinamori come of her own volition, a fact that was made apparent by the way that Hinamori's eyes flitted nervously around, as if she was waiting to be reprimanded.

"Hinamori!" He called sharply to her, but she waved it off with an apologetic smile. He didn't miss the way that her mouth was set in a firm, straight line, and she gave off a slightly resigned air as she seemed to drift in Aizen's direction. Hitsugaya's heart raced as he tried to figure out what she was thinking. He felt his limbs scream in protest as he began to follow her, an uneasy feeling setting in the pit of his stomach.

She continued on toward Gin and Aizen, as if possessed. Her gaze was locked on Aizen's features. Hitsugaya grabbed her arm frantically.

" Hinamori. Stop," he commanded, trying not to wince when it came out sounding more like a plea. The moment he said these words, Aizen looked slowly over in their direction, and smiled chillingly.

"Lieutenant Hinamori. I hadn't expected to see you again," he said, feigning pleasantry, and then looked towards Hitsugaya, "See now? She must have been so distressed since I've been gone. Don't you regret wishing her to live?" Hitsugaya knew that Aizen was toying with him; he could already feel something deep inside him curling in fury.

"Shut up," he said, his voice shaking. He frown deepened when Aizen smiled contentedly, and moved protectively in front of Hinamori.

"Toshiro. Please," Came Hinamori's voice quietly from behind him. He looked towards her desperately, hoping with his entire existence that she would just back down. He shivered when he felt her warm hand on his wrist, removing it from her arm. Something inside him seemed to snap when he released her. Thoughts ran through his mind at break-neck speed as he tried to understand her actions. She clearly was too confused, driven entirely by her unbreakable desire to rationalize her wish that Aizen lived.

Hitsugaya knew that that Hinamori didn't want him to feel as if she were choosing Aizen over him, but he couldn't deny that he knew that it would always come down to the choice.

Suddenly, Aizen cleared his throat impatiently.

"My sincere apologies for breaking up this beautiful moment, but this is getting a bit tedious, and I do hate leaving unfinished business," he proclaimed sinisterly. Dread washed over Hitsugaya, but only for a fleeting moment.

There was no time to react. There was no time to realize what was happening. There wasn't even enough time for her to scream.

One moment before, Momo had been standing, untouched next to Hitsugaya, and the next, she was barely standing, her entire front bathed sickeningly in blood. Her eyes met Hitsugaya's for a fraction of a second, and her lips parted as she almost inaudibly uttered one last thing.

" I'm sorry, Shiro." It seemed to take years for her body to hit the ground. Hitsugaya couldn't move to catch her. He couldn't even breathe.

"See? That's all settled then. I'm sorry I made this all more difficult than it had to be Captain Hitsugaya." Said Aizen from somewhere behind him, not caring in the slightest that the words fell only on deaf ears. To Hitsugaya, the only thing he could hear were Momo's last words echoing over and over in his head. He didn't hear Renji, or Kira or Matsumoto calling Momo's name in disbelief, or hear their dull footsteps as they ran towards them. He didn't hear Ichigo yell his own name, nor did he process the fact that Aizen was probably going to kill him as well. He couldn't recall why he had been so adverse to dying before.

He dropped to his knees beside Momo's body, not daring to touch her, to feel her once warm skin grow cold. Suddenly, only one thought was on his mind. Aizen. His vision swam in red, and he couldn't even think rationally. He didn't care if he died, as long as Aizen bled.

His body shot upwards, and he flew towards Aizen's turned back with speed that he didn't know he possessed. His fingers were numb around Hyorinmaru's hilt as he unsheathed it in a blur. Aizen didn't turn, or even acknowledge the fact that Hitsugaya was going to attack him, a clear sign that he knew how little a threat the young captain posed. Hitsugaya simply didn't care. He was a foot away from Aizen's exposed back, his sword drawn and ready, not even bother to activate his shikai, when he felt two pairs of hands force him backwards.

"No! NO!!!" He heard his voice scream, though he couldn't quite recall uttering them himself. He struggled against what he recognized was Matsumoto and Ukitake's arms holding him down firmly, almost knowingly. He wanted to scream at them, to tell them that they didn't understand, that he had to let him go, but he couldn't speak over the lump lodged deep in his throat. Suddenly, all of the energy drained out of him, and his body grew limp in their grasp. Anger was replaced by desolation, as he saw Momo's body for the first time with anything other than disbelief.

Her image blurred and his vision swam sickeningly, and he let himself cry for the first time in years, finally realizing that the one thing that had kept him strong was gone forever.

As suddenly as it had gone, his spirit energy flared dangerously, and the clouds turned gray and snow fell in earnest. Frost crept across the ground, crackling ominously. Reietsu rolled off his body in thick waves. He felt Matsumoto and Ukitake shift nervously from their positions on either side of him.

"Captain…" started Matsumoto, her voice shaking with emotion.

"Toshiro, calm down," Ukitake pleaded, for once not using the dreaded nickname that he knew Hitsugaya would never want to hear again. Hitsugaya let a strangled sob escape him, as abruptly broke free of their restraints, directly disappearing into a flash-step.

Although it lasted for what felt like eternity to Hitsugaya, the battle was over in a single instant. He felt Hyorinmaru's deadly blade slide across Aizen's flesh, knowing all the while that he didn't have nearly enough power to kill Aizen, he could tell by the way Aizen's skin felt like marble; he could tell by the way that his sword felt like lead in his hands. All of those facts were overshadowed by the brutal, merciless instant of satisfaction he reached as he saw Aizen's eyes widen in surprise as he realized that Hitsugaya's sword had somehow reached him.

But Aizen, true to his invincible nature, recovered all too quickly, and, before Hitsugaya had a moment to blink, white hot pain shot through his torso, and his blood flowed freely to mingle with the traces of blood of Aizen's he had drawn merely seconds before. He used the last strength that he had to gaze over to Momo's body, surrounded by a dumbstruck Matsumoto, a disbelieving Ukitake, and many other figures that his sluggish mind couldn't place.

He could feel the world spin as his body hit the ground, but he was too numb to actually feel it.

As he felt Hyorinmaru slip from his shaking palm, and he felt his consciousness slip away, he promised himself that this time, he would try and die with his eyes closed.

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A/N- I killed Hinamori!!!! I feel so evil!!!! I'm thinking of adding more chapters, but I probably only will if anybody actually likes it... Anyway, please review. All criticism is graciously taken!


	2. Hide from the Sun

Unfortunately, for Hitsugaya, there was no sweet release. He found himself swimming slowly towards consciousness, and, try as he might, he was suddenly struck with a regrettably vivid awareness. He could tell that he was being held bridal-style by two strong warm arms. By the slightly disconcerting rocking, he could deduce that they were currently traveling at speed that was probably not advisable based on the way his wounds screamed in protest at the movement. Voices became apparent, resounding loudly over the quiet sound of their footfalls.

"Report!" Snapped Matsumoto, sounding more serious than Hitsugaya had probably ever heard her, although he heard a noticeable edge of hysteria.

"Ma'am, the substitute Soul Reaper, Kurosaki Ichigo, is currently fighting to hold off Aizen. It appears as if most of the arrancar and all of the espada have been properly defeated. Head Captain Yamamoto has ordered all members of the Thirteen Court Guard Divisions to retreat to a safe location so as not to hinder Kurosaki," came the rushed voice of one of his seated officers, whose name his lethargic mind struggled to place.

"Call for Captain Unohana!" barked Matsumoto, and, when the her order gained a slight pause, she almost certainly caused everyone to jump out of their skin when she commanded, "NOW!" Several rushed replies came, then the tell-tale woosh as they scurried in to flash steps. Hitsugaya took a moment to idly ponder the urgent need for Unohana's assistance, before realizing vaguely that it must be because of him.

Unexpectedly, he felt a rush of indignation. How could they meddle in his affairs like this? Couldn't they just leave him to die? He wanted to scream to them to leave him there, tell them to let him down immediately, but the resolve to do anything at the moment escaped him. Knowing that he would never again see Momo's smile made any further action seem oddly pointless.

Suddenly, Matsumoto's voice came quietly, tenderly in his direction.

"Hold on, Captain. Just hold on." Something in her voice gave him the strength that he had been searching for. As he once again felt the scene slipping away from him, he no longer regretted his momentary consciousness.

Hitsugaya felt himself drifting briefly in and out of consciousness and catching odd, dizzying snippets of hushed conversation, though not quite managing to put the pieces together.

"How is he?"

"Not well. But he's Captain Hitsugaya, he'll pull through." Ukitake and Unohana.

"Have you heard? Kurosaki took down Aizen! They're moving him into a room in the hospital!" A fourth division seated officer. Yamada-something?

"What about Gi- Ichimaru?"

"Nothing is certain, but they say that he's dead, too."

A sharp intake of breath. Matsumoto.

Ages seemed to pass before Hitsugaya could begin to form the random sounds into anything coherent. It all came to him suddenly. Aizen was dead, by Kurosaki Ichigo's blade. Ichimaru Gin was dead. He felt a pang of pity towards Matsumoto, who he knew that, no matter how she tried to deny it, must have been taking his death hard. Apparently, he was in a somewhat dire situation himself, although he figured that his lapse into consciousness must be a sign that he was out of danger.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Hitsugaya became aware of an annoying sound coming from some unknown source. Realizing with resignation that his curiosity was outweighing his desire to stay in blissful ignorance on his entire situation for the rest of eternity. Gathering up what minimal strength he had, he let his eyes flicker open.

The light nearly blinded him as his vision slowly came in to focus. The first thing that he realized that he was in a small, dark room with dull white walls, which he figured meant that he was in the Fourth Division. He wondered distantly how long he had been unconscious.

He cocked his head slightly to one side, wincing slightly at the stiffness in his neck. Even with the slight movement, he could feel heavy bandages pull on several places on his body. His frown deepened. He had almost been relying on the pain as a distraction, but instead, he was met with a chilling numbness that seemed to match his mood perfectly. His eyes scanned the dimly lit room until they fell upon a Matsumoto, sitting in a chair beside his bed. She was shaking gently, tears running slowly down her face.

Somehow, concern for her overruled his painful lack of feeling. He read her tears as the result of the loss of Gin, a feeling that he felt he knew implicitly at the moment. He knew that his own control over his emotions would not be able to last any longer; he could almost feel the crushing grief that lay so precariously beneath the surface. He drew in a long, deep breath and decided to act before his control ruptured.

"Matsumoto?" He began, his voice cracking and rough from disuse. He watched as she started, and then looked up at him, her eyes red and filled with unshed tears. Her eyes seemed to light up with remnants of a smile and bitter melancholy simultaneously the moment that their eyes met.

"Captain?" She replied quietly. The way the tears spilled down her face with increased force made him realize something suddenly.

She was no longer crying for Gin. She was crying for him.

The wall he had built carefully around his emotions faltered. Inexplicable anger surged through his veins. What right did Matsumoto have to cry for him? The anger gave his the adrenaline that he need in order to push himself into a sitting position, though it dismayed him that he was so weak.

"Captain, I'm so sorry. I-" she started through her tears, but he cut her off before she could continue.

"Stop Matsumoto. Just stop." He said, through gritted teeth.

"It isn't your fault about M-"

"Stop! Don't say her name again! Leave me ALONE!" Screamed Hitsugaya, his hands grabbing at his soft white hair in anguish.

"I-I'm sorry..." Matsumoto stuttered. "Captain," She reached out towards Hitsugaya carefully, her heart breaking as she witnessed his distress. Hitsugaya, however, flinched away from her touch.

"NO! Don't touch me! Go away go away GO AWAY!!!!" He cried, smacking her hand away and shrinking back from Matsumoto as if she were a threat.

Suddenly, the room grew silent. Hitsugaya's eyes grew empty, and his body slumped lifelessly on the pillows. Matsumoto realized that Unohana was standing over Hitsugaya with a long syringe that was no doubt the reason that the captain was currently incapacitated. Her soft eyes watched Hitsugaya as he breathed laboriously for a moment, before she looked up at Matsumoto, who was hastily wiping tears off of her face, trying to pretend that they weren't still flowing freely.

"My apologies, Lieutenant Matsumoto, I didn't know that he was going to wake so soon," Unohana said, before looking Matsumoto firmly in the eye.

"He didn't mean that, you know," she said quietly. Matsumoto nodded her head adamantly, forcing a tight smile.

"Excuse me," she said, bowing slightly before rushing out, never turning to look back.

Unohana was not surprised, however, when Matsumoto returned the next day.


	3. Shaken

A/N- Sorry all of these chapters are so short! Hitsugaya is sort of crazy in this chapter!!! Any suggestions are welcome! Review please!

Hitsugaya lost track of the amount of time he spent in the Fourth Division before being released. The days seemed to blend together as he divided his time between sleeping and staring blankly at the ceiling, trying desperately to keep any type of feeling at bay. He registered vaguely that Ukitake seemed to visit regularly, though the older man never demanded any type of conversation, and Hitsugaya remained content with the blissful silence. He was also aware that Matsumoto still visited constantly, though she always came when she though that he was asleep.

When Unohana gently announced to him that he was ready to be released, he merely nodded. When she wordlessly handed him his shihakusho and captain's haori, he immediately donned the shihakusho, simply held the draped the haori over one arm and nodded in farewell to Unohana before turning to leave. Unohana stood in shock for a moment, an uneasy feeling washing over her. In a way, it feels almost as if Hitsugaya has just resigned.

Hitsugaya however, had no intention of giving up his captaincy. The title no longer held any pride for him, in fact, he simply saw it as a way to keep focused on holding on to his sanity for as long as he can. The moment he was released from the Fourth Division, he returned to the office in Tenth Division. The stacks of paper were even higher than he expected, a fact that he accepted gratefully. He couldn't recall why he ever cared so much whether or not Matsumoto did her share of the work. Those days already seemed so far away.

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Matsumoto wasn't sure how her life had suddenly spiraled out of control. Soul Society was in ruins. Gin was dead. And at the tip of the iceberg, her captain, who had always been so strong, so overly mature, was nearly catatonic with grief for Momo.

Her concern for her captain increased in intensity as each day passed. She was helpless as she watched her captain live through each day in a ghost-like stupor, his eyes dull and void of emotion. Ever since his release from the Fourth Division, deep circles had formed beneath his eyes that spoke of many sleepless nights. She wished that she could do something to ease his pain, but what was there to do? She was still reeling from his recent outburst.

Her mind ran frantically as she sat in the quiet Tenth Division barracks, Haineko placed gently over her crossed legs. Meditating was a rare gesture for her, that was certain, but in light of recent events, it seemed all too appropriate. Besides, Haineko had been unusually understanding as of late. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"Matsumoto?" Came a distinctly unexpected voice, causing her to start violently with a characteristic yelp. She shot up, using reflexes intensified by the war. Her gaze came into focus on a brightly smiling Orihime, flanked closely by Ichigo, who sported a slightly more wary appearance.

"Orihime? What brings you here?" She said, managing for the most part to keep her tone chipper.

"I haven't seen you around! I wanted to see you before we leave for the world of the living again, and Ichigo decided to come with me!" She said, her voice bubbling with enthusiasm, though she seemed to notice Matsumoto's unusually somber mood. Matsumoto let out a little laugh and gave a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Oh, I've been catching up with all of the paperwork. I'll never be done with it all, it seems!" She pouted, although complaining about paperwork suddenly seemed too self-serving, considering that it was basically all that her captain did as of late. She began to meander her way towards the office, Orihime and Ichigo walking alongside her. Orihime looked down toward the ground pensively, giving Matsumoto the distinct feeling of foreboding.

"I hear that a friend of yours was killed in the war… I'm sorry…" she said faintly, biting her lip anxiously, watching Matsumoto's expressions carefully. Surprisingly, Rangiku's first thought was of how Orihime had somehow become informed of her relationship with Gin. Strangely, she felt relieved that she had been asked this over other, more sore topics. She had given herself time before the Winter War began to come to terms with the fact that Gin was going to have to be killed eventually, although, at first, the pain of his loss was raw and unexpectedly strong, she had managed to accept it. Her answer was now well rehearsed.

" Oh, it's fine. He chose his side, I chose mine," she said easily, closing her eyes and smiling broadly. Although the gesture was undeniably fake, Orihime let out a breath in relief. They walked in silence for a moment, the sound of their footsteps falling in sync oddly comforting.

"How's Toshiro been? I hear they let him out of the Fourth Division recently," Ichigo asked casually. Rangiku unintentionally flinched at the mention of her captain. She hoped for a moment that the pair of humans hadn't noticed, but it immediately became apparent that there was no such luck. She caught the two share what was obviously a significant look.

"He's taken Hinamori's… death," Matsumoto struggled to elaborate the somewhat taboo subject without using Hinamori's name, "hard." She cringed at the ridiculously understated phrase. Ichigo's eyebrows shot towards his hairline, and Orihime's uneasy expression returned full force.

"Uh… Hinamori?" Ichigo questioned, before a look of recognition flashed across his face, and he blanched visibly, realizing what Hinamori's death might entail. Matsumoto gave him a look, and glanced around nervously.

"Could you please not say her name? Sorry, but we're getting near the office, and I don't know how Captain Hitsugaya will react." Orihime and Ichigo furrowed their eyebrows in curiosity.

"Well, I guess that he feels responsible, you know? He and I are sort of similar that way." Ichigo said, with a surprising level of insight. Matsumoto felt a smile touch at her lips, startling her slightly. Ichigo made it sound as if it were so simple to get through to her captain. It gave her hope. Ichigo smiled brightly, almost sheepishly, when he noticed that Matsumoto was staring at him incredulously. She was pulled out of her trance when Ichigo abruptly turned on his heel and marched towards the ornate entrance to the Tenth Division office. It took Matsumoto an instant to realize what he had in mind.

"Ichigo-wait! I don't think that would be a good idea…" she said, before realizing the futility of her actions. He was too stubborn for his own good. She inwardly braced himself for the impending disaster while Ichigo opened the door and walked in with surprising stealth. She and Orihime followed closely behind him, exchanging a nervous look.

Matsumoto could see the surprise evident on Ichigo's face as he saw the state of the once strong and collected captain.

"Kurosaki," Hitsugaya said faintly in greeting, not bothering to look up from the piece of paperwork he was filling out. Matsumoto realized she hadn't heard his voice since he had been released from Fourth Division. The more gripping matter at hand pushed the thought aside quickly.

"Hey Toshiro!" Ichigo said in his usual loud manner. When he realized that Hitsugaya wasn't planning on answering anytime soon, he just continued on. Matsumoto gave up on her attempts to stop shut Ichigo up by drawing her palm across her throat frantically as a lost cause. She wished that she had sake. Lots of it.

"People have been wondering where you've been. It's getting sort of annoying to be honest." Ichigo continued bluntly. He was already showing signs of annoyance at Hitsugaya's blatant lack of response. Hitsugaya didn't seem to be listening at all, still lost in his thoughts, or lack thereof. Orihime suddenly realized what had gotten Ichigo so interested in Toshiro. From the moment that he had seen him, Ichigo had seen himself in Hitsugaya; it had taken him back to the time that he spent after his mother had died. Ichigo couldn't stand it when people made the same mistakes that he did.

"Would you quit ignoring me?" Ichigo said, anger creeping into his voice. Suddenly, he all he wanted was a reaction from the unresponsive boy. "Look, I know what this feels like, trust me, but it wasn't your fault, what happened to Hinamori-" The sinking feeling of dread hadn't even settled to the pit of Matsumoto's stomach before Hitsugaya swiftly reacted. His body was a blur as he leaped with unnatural agility from his desk and into a flash step. Ichigo was thrown back to the floor with the force of Hitsugaya's single, crushing blow to his stomach. Orihime screamed.

Ichigo breathed heavily, but before he had a chance to recover, he felt something cool press against his neck. He realized with astonishment that Hitsugaya had him pinned down to the ground, Hyornimaru's deadly blade against his neck. He looked into Hitsugaya's icy eyes and saw the uncontrolled emotions burning there.

"Don't ever say that again," he spat. The pressure on Ichigo's chest lifted as Hitsugaya released him. Ichigo lifted himself unsteadily to his feet. Hitsugaya turned his back to the stunned occupants of the room and made his way to the exit. The sound of metal against the wooden floor rang hauntingly through the office as he dropped Hyorinmaru to the floor with a clang. He didn't look back.

Matsumoto, Orihime and Ichigo stood in silence for a moment, all staring in a daze at the place where Hitsugaya had been only a moment ago.


	4. What am I?

A/N- These chapters are getting shorter!!!! Aggghhhh!!! Well, I'm going to try to make a longer one next….

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Everyone in Soul Society had been undoubtedly dreading this day. The mass funeral for all of the shinigami who had given up their lives in the Winter War had been looming upon them, the date of the ceremony had finally arrived. In respect to the dead, everyone, even the captains, wore dress clothing instead of their uniforms, though not even Yamamoto sought to reprimand them. The event was to take place at the most appropriate location that could be obtained; Sogyoku Hill.

Matsumoto felt herself unexpectedly moved when she found out that some anonymous soul reapers had put together a grave for Gin. Though she figured that should make the whole thing less difficult than had been previously, she dreaded it all the same. To her, it seemed more like an unnecessary day of grief than a respectful day to celebrate the deceased. But then again, maybe letting go of held in emotions was exactly what the shinigami needed at the moment.

She knew without a second thought that her captain wouldn't attend.

She sighed as she completed her the last document in her ridiculously large stack of work. There were no more excuses to put off setting out to the funeral. She took a sip of sake before slowly rising from her desk. She adjusted her scarf before gathering her wits and deciding to simply bite the bullet.

As she was slowly making her way to join the forming crowd headed towards Sogyoku Hill, she saw a glint of white in the corner of her eye. She did a double take and was shocked to see her captain sitting on the rooftop, his arms wrapped around his knees, his chin resting on his kneecaps. He had changed into the same outfit that she had seen him in the day that they met. It didn't even cross her mind to laugh at the fact that, in all that time, he still hadn't grown out of it.

She suddenly had a burst of inspiration. She had made a point of giving her captain space recently, but it just struck her how lonely he must be. It broke her heart every time she looked at his distinctly unhealthy appearance, and she couldn't help but feel responsible. Wasn't it her job to protect her captain no matter what? No matter even if he didn't seem to want anything to do with her? She couldn't be bothered that he would probably just push her away as he did everyone else.

Matsumoto quickly scaled the slippery roof, careful not to give herself enough time in which to change her mind. She crawled on her hands and knees, wondering how Hitsugaya managed to keep his balance so flawlessly. As she reached the roof's peak, the scene that Hitsugaya was watching suddenly came into view. The landscape was breathtaking. The sunset created a dazzling burst of bright colors, all a brilliant backdrop to the landscape consisting of the mountains in the distance and a clear view of the Sougyoku Hill. As beautiful as it was, it meant for so much pain for Hitsugaya. She was all too aware of how he treasured watching the sunsets with Hinamori, and now he was watching it over her funeral. The irony was just too much.

She inwardly braced herself for Hitsugaya's wrath at interrupting his greatly personal moment. She waited for a moment before gingerly sitting next to him, realizing how precarious her situation was. They sat together for a moment in a silence that was neither comfortable nor awkward.

Matsumoto felt her previous confidence drain out of her. Her captain obviously didn't want her there, and it abruptly struck Matsumoto as a mistake to interrupt such an obviously personal moment. She abruptly stood back up, and unsteadily turned to leave.

"Matsumoto. Please stay," came Hitsugaya's voice, raw and strained sounding. Matsumoto didn't need any more encouragement. She sat down again, relaxing slightly and yet growing tenser at the same time. Rangiku gathered the nerve to look over Hitsugaya in the eye. Her heart leapt to her throat when she realized he was no longer hidden behind the blank, dead look. His eyes now contained a dangerous spark that was both familiar and completely unknown.

"My first memories are of her. The Rukongai was so terrifying and confusing before I met her, and I knew how lucky I was to find her. She was the only person who wasn't afraid of me, who never looked at me and saw my hair or my eyes, or just how cold I act around everyone. She never cared. She always saw through my words, and she always knew that I only said them because I cared. I only became a captain because I wanted to be with her. Everything I did was because of her… What am I? What am I now?" The words spilled out of Hitsugaya uncontrollably, his voice thick with emotion, his body shaking with tremors that grew rapidly more violent.

"I protected her because all I wanted was for her to be happy. Maybe then I could repay her for all of she's done for me. She never knew how much I loved her," he said silent tears gliding down his pale face. Matsumoto felt her heart break. Suddenly, her seemed to move of their own volition, and she reached out and embraced her captain's trembling body gently.

For the first time, Hitsugaya didn't try and evade her hold. Rangiku held him as he fell apart in her arms. She heard a muffled sob escape him, and she pulled him closer to her, gently stroking his soft, white hair. It tore her apart inside to see her captain so obviously broken. She realized that it was the first time her captain had allowed himself to cry.

It suddenly struck her how young he was. His mature demeanor had masked it all too well. He was too young for so much war and death.

Her mind went out to the first time she had met him, when she convinced him to become a Soul Reaper. He had been so devastated and lost then, and now, so many years later, they were back at the beginning. It seemed so wrong, but as she held Hitsugaya close while he cried, Rangiku couldn't help but feel that there was still hope for them him, for her, for everyone.

After all, it was only the beginning.

A/N- Any suggestions about where I should take the plot from here? Anyone???? Hope you liked it anyway!!!! Please review!!!


	5. Understanding

A/N- Wow! Sorry I took forever to update!!! Writer's block is a killer… Well, this chapter didn't turn out the way I wanted it to, but I hope you'll like it anyway!

Oh, and, just to clear that up, this is NOT going to be a HitsuMatsu!!! Any romance would be wrong here!

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Ukitake drew in a deep, unsteady breath as he trudged his way through the quiet streets of the Sereitei. He felt as if he was walking to his own funeral, rather than to the far more desolate tenth division. He, along with most every one else in the Gotei Thirteen, had been avoiding the area like the plague in the recent weeks since the Winter War had ended.

Ukitake had been gathering his wits to visit Toshiro since he had been admitted to the Fourth Division, but a nagging feeling had stopped him short every time. Though he was disgusted in himself for being so cowardly, he couldn't help but wonder if it was better for the grieving captain. He wondered if he wasn't simply trying to tell himself that to justify his actions.

In fact, the only reason he was currently headed towards the tenth division was that Yamamoto's patience had worn thin and he had made the decision to give the captain a mission for the first time since Momo's death. But, of course, the short captain had been absent from all of the recent captain's meetings, and, although some captains were less than sympathetic, no one had the heart to force him. So, Yamamoto had dutifully assigned Ukitake the job to inform Hitsugaya of his new mission, as, in the old General-  
Captain's mind, Ukitake was the least likely to become a victim of homicide courtesy of the slightly unbalanced Toshiro.

Ukitake carefully plastered a small smile on his face before gingerly knocking on the doorway to the captain's office. He tapped his foot nervously while he waited for a nerve-racking moment of silence resulting from his action. He mentally kicked himself for wishing that the office was empty for once.

"Come in." Came a mumbled response, in the unmistakable voice of the tenth captain. Ukitake started unintentionally. Was he really that tense? He cringed while he opened the door, realizing how eerily quiet the entire division had become. He felt imposing as the door creaked, breaking the silence.

The scene that Ukitake saw when he entered the room was completely unexpected. Hitsugaya was in his usual place in the ornate desk in the center of the room, deeply immersed in stacks of paperwork that were taller than he was. Upon further inspection, Matsumoto could be seen snoring at her desk in the corner, obviously having been of much use work-wise. The setting was achingly familiar, yet there was no denying that something had changed since the war. Everything had changed in some way or other.

Ukitake's melancholy smile immediately dropped into a frown when he took in the details of Toshiro's appearance. The dark circles residing underneath his eyelids were deathly prominent, and he was surrounded by an air of fatigue caused by evident depression. His bright turquoise eyes, which had once burned with passion, were now blank and clouded. He looked at the papers he was writing on without really seeing them. Ukitake wondered where his mind really was, and a sinking feeling dropped to the pit of his stomach as he realized the only place it could be. He shuddered.

Hitsugaya's head shot up when Ukitake cleared his throat uncomfortably. He seemed to struggle to focus on Ukitake for a moment before settling to simply waiting for the older captain to address him. Ukitake was suddenly struck with the desire to run back to Yamamoto and demand that he reassign the job to someone else, and give Toshiro an extended leave. The young captain was obviously in no position to go on missions of any kind, no matter the level ease or insignificance. Ukitake's mind ran of a list of worst-case scenarios in a panic before he was jolted back to reality by the sound of Matsumoto groan groggily behind him.

"Erm, hello, Toshiro!" He began, suddenly at a loss for words. Toshiro simply gave him a look that said, 'Get to the point now, please,' and he was happy to oblige.

"The head-captain has assigned you to investigate areas in the Rukongai where there have apparently been recurring disappearances. Chances are, it's just a particularly difficult hollow, but the Head Captain wanted to assign a captain to be safe, and…" he trailed off, realizing that Toshiro was only barely paying attention to him.

"The report," he said curtly, trying to get Toshiro to at least make eye contact with him as he held out a few papers. Toshiro's gaze lingered briefly on the papers as if wondering what to do, before he slowly reached out and grasped them. Ukitake hovered awkwardly over Toshiro as he scanned the material, vaguely aware of Matsumoto's careful eye over the exchange. Ukitake couldn't help but be relieved that Matsumoto was present after hearing of the captain's erratic behavior as of late. She seemed to be the only one who could come close to calming him down.

"Toshiro," he began after a while, pausing more out of courtesy than an expectance of actually receiving a reply, " Please be careful. And try to actually sleep before this, okay?" Ukitake hoped that he didn't come off sounding too desperate. He smiled serenely when he noticed that Toshiro was actually looking at him for once. The one action gave him the courage to reach into his sleeve and draw out a small chocolate bar and placing it in front of Toshiro. His heart leaped when he saw that Hitsugaya didn't seem to be ready to kill him for the feat. He nodded his head slightly before turning to leave the office.

"Thank you," Toshiro whispered from behind, barely audible but not as lacking in emotion as Ukitake had expected. Ukitake smiled genuinely as he murmured, "you're welcome," barely louder than Toshiro. He knew exactly what he Hitsugaya meant, and didn't care at all that Hitsugaya wouldn't even think of touching the chocolate. His heart lifted as he marveled at just how far the familiar, comforting gesture could go.

Matsumoto wouldn't have thought for a moment of letting Hitsugaya go on a mission along. True to her word that a lieutenant's job is to protect their captain, Matsumoto promptly convinced the head-captain to let her come along and keep an eye on Toshiro. Yamamoto was surprisingly understanding, though he gave her the feeling that he was scrutinizing her, a feeling strangely strong coming from a man who rarely cared to open his eyes when he looked at you.

As she went to retrieve Hitsugaya before they set out, she suddenly realized what made her so uneasy about the meeting with Yamamoto. He was silently warning her that if Hitsugaya couldn't recover soon enough, his captaincy might be in jeopardy. This only served to increase Matsumoto's resolve. Her captain would never give up being a captain, would he? Just as she thought this, she abruptly recalled his words during the war. He had said that he didn't care if he couldn't be captain. Fear engulfed Rangiku for a moment before she managed to pull herself together. Her trust in her captain was something that she was just not willing to give up quite yet.

"Matsumoto?" Came Hitsugaya's voice, jolting his lieutenant out of her reverie instantly. She was pleasantly surprised to see that he had been waiting for her, leaning casually against the door frame to the tenth division's barracks. She was comforted slightly by the fact that, although the white captain's haori remained blatantly absent, Hyorinmaru was visible over his shoulder once again.

"Coming," she replied, following her captain's short stride. She couldn't help but feel her heart swell when Hitsugaya disappeared into a flash step. Matsumoto hated herself for letting herself believe, in those short instances when her captain's actions seemed to mirror that of who he had been before the war, that he might actually be the same person. But she always new somewhere in the corner of her mind that Toshiro could never be exactly the same person he was. But still, when her captain proved that had not lost the grace and confidence that he had displayed ever since first claiming captaincy, Matsumoto was brought back to all of the times that, recently after having claimed his captaincy, Hitsugaya would flash step simply to show off, or the times that he used it to sneak up on her or Momo, smirking devilishly when they nearly jumped out of their skin. And suddenly, she would half expect Hitsugaya to turn around, frowning deeply to conceal the laughter filling his eyes, waiting for her to catch up.

Matsumoto adjusted her scarf pensively, and, as she hastened to follow her captain, she struggled to pull her mind out of the past. Her mind wandered until she nearly bowled Hitsugaya over, not realizing that he had come to an abrupt halt. Hitsugaya turned around, but to Matsumoto's dismay, he showed no signed of his once characteristic irritation.

"This is the district where most of the disappearances have occurred," he stated dully. His eyes surveyed the landscape, and Matsumoto decided to follow suit. After a moment of looking around, she suddenly felt a shiver run down her spine. What was it about this place that seemed so familiar? She let her gaze scan over the eerily familiar town, recognizing as one of the nicer districts, not at all resembling the slum that she had grown up in. In fact,, if she didn't know better, she would say that they were in…

Junrinan.

Matsumoto cursed under her breath in a very unwomanly fashion. She looked over at Toshiro and was neither reassured or not by the fact that he was sporting an uncanny level of indifference. Rangiku wondered, for the first time since the war, whether Hitsugaya actually felt nothing or if he were simply hiding his emotions behind the mask of calm that she had to admit was frighteningly convincing. Either way, the situation was undeniably horrific.

"Focus, Matsumoto. Let's get this over with," Hitsugaya said, but the way his voice shook gave Matsumoto the only answer she needed. She nodded solemnly through her grimace.

Fifteen minutes later, Matsumoto was diligently pretending to be surveying the area while really dividing her time between thinking of ways to get them both out of the mission more or less unscathed and keeping a critical eye on Hitsugaya.

Meanwhile, Hitsugaya was mentally cursing the world whilst making absolutely sure not to been seen by anyone who might have known him or Momo. He jumped at the slightest movements and offhandedly began to question his sanity.

Suddenly, the air grew heavily and an ominous feeling settled in the pit of Hitsugaya's stomach. His eyes widened as he realized that he was bathed in something's immense shadow. He spun around to face what he realized was an enormous hollow, smiling wickedly through glowing teeth, its crooked claws angled towards his body threateningly. What struck Hitsugaya's sharp mind instantly was the way that its eyes shone with a clever glint. In a flash, his instincts kicked in, and Hitsugaya felt the claws collide with Hyorinmaru with a force that shook his small frame. He couldn't even remember unsheathing his sword.

Hitsugaya felt his body run through the motions of the fight in a daze. He blocked every blow that came in his direction with deadly precision, but he lacked the will to go on the offensive. His mind came up blank when he wondered distantly the point in all of the fighting was.

Matsumoto stood frozen as she watched her captain fight the immense hollow, struck by its vast level of reietsu, marking it clearly at adjucha level. She clasped Haineko, gritting her teeth as she frantically searched for an opening. As she watched Hitsugaya fight the enormous hollow, she wanted to scream at him for not striking the creature down when he had the chance. Hitsugaya's movements were sloppy and careless, and he remained in a hasty guard position. It was clear that he could care less whether or not he could take it down, and it was doubtful whether he cared at all whether or not the hollow managed to chop him to pieces.

Suddenly, a shrill, terrified scream rang out above the clashing sound of Hyorninmaru against the hollows claws. Hitsugaya's concentration wavered as he instinctively started at the unexpected sound. His eyes scanned over the landscape for an instance before he saw a small girl, cowering in the ground, her eyes full of fear and desperation. Hitsugaya gasped, realizing that the hollow's cold, calculating eyes were directed towards the girl, its grin widening with vicious mirth as it began to loom in her direction.

Hitsugaya suddenly felt something snap inside of him. Genuine anger surged through him as he realized what the hollow was trying to do. He spun on his heel before bursting into a flash step, desperately trying to reach the girl before a deadly claw beat him to it.

Clang.

The hollow appeared to be taken aback as he felt his claws connect with solid metal. Its eyes flashed dangerously as it swung its arm towards Hitsugaya once more, who was standing in a protective stance over the now sobbing girl, his wrist still pressed to the flat of Hyorinmaru's blade as he lowered it from its horizontal position after deflecting the sharp bone of the claws. Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow as he took the gleam in the hollow's eyes as triumph. Before the war, he might have laughed, but instead, he simply whispered the words that he knew would mean the hollow wouldn't stand a chance.

"Reign over the frozen heavens, Hyorninmaru." Instantly, the hollow's triumph turned to dread as it took in the situation. The dread was short-lived though, as it only had a moment for fear before the ice dragon's body wrapped itself in a deadly embrace. It howled as the last bit of life ebbed from its body.

Hitsugaya didn't care to watch his opponent fall; instead, he turned to the girl. He was surprised when the girl didn't flinch away as he approached her. She merely stared up at him with shimmering brown eyes, pulling herself into a more natural sitting position on the hard ground. Hitsugaya met her gaze, wondering why she wouldn't be more afraid of him.

"Thank you," she whispered, before pulling herself up and running shakily away. Hitsugaya stood speechlessly, watching as she ran through the small town and disappeared into one of the alleys. He eventually reminded himself to let the death grip that he maintained on Hyorinmaru to go slack. He let out a shaky breath, and felt his knees hit the frozen ground as he sank down in relief. He remained absolutely still, listening to the chilling sound of ice breaking and crashing to the ground as Hyorinmaru shattered. He was suddenly reminded of the time when Momo first told him of her aspiration to become a Soul Reaper for the Gotei Thirteen. When he had incredulously asked her why she would ever want to go to the academy, she had merely told him that she wanted to be able to protect people. In response, he would spit watermelon seeds in her face and pretended to scoff at her. At the time, he couldn't understand what would make Momo so adamant about protecting complete strangers.

_I think I finally understand now, Momo._

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A/N- There you have it, folks!!! Please review!!!!


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